devi_trinityNew moon in Capricorn and an eclipse again, this time a solar eclipse and shortly following on the heels of the Winter Solstice, full moon and total lunar eclipse. Yin and Yang- the perfect opposites that create the universe we are a part of …
Another amazing opportunity to move mountains inside. And speaking of moving mountains, I moved my own Annapurna.  I tapped into The Motherload of ancient pain and shed some of the heaviest, most dust-laden layers of  crap that had been stagnating and blocking my new life-giving, potential from springing forth. I say Annapurna, because Annapurna in Sanskrit means ”full of food” (feminine form), and is normally translated as Goddess of the Harvests. And her association with the giving of food (wealth) led her in time to be transformed into Lakshmi, the Goddess of Wealth. And food, such food! What I reaped from my journey into the underworld of my psyche yesterday and lo these many moons was a gift so rich that I will be relishing it for the rest of my life.

I was lying on a table at my Network Chiropractor’s space, and I started talking about my left side and my sacrum, where I had told her a few weeks back, my acupuncturist had inserted a needle and I felt a sharp, electric ZING! shoot through my entire left side … and I found myself saying that the energy still felt dark and sludgey, stuck and dense. Now please know that I am still barely emerging from the fog of recovery, so I will do my best to recall what she said to me … She gently said, “We know that the right side of the body is the “warrior,” or masculine side, and that the left is our yin, our female, how we receive … what if you were to put the sword down and consider embracing your tender-hearted self? Think about what lives there …” I immediately felt a ripple of sadness from deep, deep inside waving and rocking up to the surface, making me convulse involuntarily, and my brain did what it always does– it tried to intercede. It tried its damndest to cut it all off at the pass- stuff it back in; MAKE IT GO AWAY! The alarm bells sounded inside my brain. But the tsunami would not be stopped. The power of 1000 lifetimes came rushing through my flesh, my soul, my gut, my very being-ness. I cried for a solid half hour, tears that wouldn’t stop- and I could have cried more … I can’t get over that automatic response … that when the tears began, I tried to stop them, tried to chase the fire-breathing dragon back into his lair, but to no avail … for that fire-breathing dragon was just an innocent little girl in disguise, me as a little girl, and once I allowed myself to see it, to know it, in the very deepest fibers of my being, I found a tender-hearted place inside, and I surrendered to the tears, to the pain that was swallowing me up- I decided to let myself drown in it all, to be in my body, not in my brain, to let it take me, believing in some small, but determined place inside that once I surfaced, once I broke through the surface of that turgid, relentless water, I would breathe again- but a breath that was entirely new. And it was true. Today I woke up with a sense of relief so deep that it was unfamiliar to me. Over the past year, I have been fighting. I have been a warrior. Fighting a fight I thought would never end. And yesterday, I laid down my sword. Not in defeat, but in triumph.

I won the battle, and after fighting so hard for such a protracted period of time, I believe that I forgot what it felt like to just be- to be free. To be free of the constant low-grade stress pecking at my eyes from inside my brain on a daily basis. To be free of the pall- the dark veil that covered even the brightest moments during that time. I did my very best to distance myself from the stress, to protect the rest of my life from it. It was insidious, a relentless opponent. But then, so was I.

Winning, vanquishing the demons has taught me rich lessons, not the least of which is that regardless of what happens, I refuse to ever allow that veil to cover any of my bright moments that the future holds. And I can thank my enemies, as we all must- thank them, for they help us to shape our destinies- through adversity, we carve the very strata of our souls, the rock that lines our legacies.

And as a free woman, I greet this new moon, free of some more of the deepest, darkest, sludgiest ancestral wounds, knowing that I made a choice to dive deep into the heart of darkness in order to see the light of this solar celebration tonight- the solar awakening inside my own soul.

And on that note …


This image embodies this new moon and solar eclipse for me~feeling gratitude in every cell, connecting deeply with earth energy (Capricorn), releasing the old–summoning the courage to break the chain of ancestral wounding and what keeps us from being free and allowing our powerful NEW manifestation intentions to rise high, high into the heavens and into the universe- celebration! Free yourself, plant your seeds for what you will birth and rejoice!

New Moon in Capricorn and Solar Eclipse- time to own your power, take stock of all that you are and draft the blueprint of your dreams for 2011 and beyond! Your very thoughts, words and feelings create the reality you are living~We all owe it to ourselves to shine like the sun itself, radiating love from the inside out, illuminating the magical path ahead …


I am off to take pen to paper for myself and draft the contract that I make with myself, a pact that I am manifesting my dreams each and every moment through my thoughts, words and actions … to send this pact into the ethers, from earth to heaven and embracing everything in between, all that it is to be human, surrendering to it all, and knowing that because I allowed myself to go on this archeological dig, what last night felt like THE Motherload of pain and despair, was in fact transformed moments after I released it into the motherload of treasures.

Bless this new moon and all of the windows of the world that have been flung open to welcome this sunshine that grows inside me like a thirsty plant reaching its open face to the rain to receive all of its nourishing, beautiful wetness.

I have climbed my Annapurna, and now I know the joy of what it is to be a loving mother to myself and soon, to another …

2 Responses to “The Motherload”

I’m reading these words after an interesting week. My sludge may not go as far as yours, but after a couple of weird physical issues, I decided I needed to return to a regular exercise practice (I walk a lot, but I hadn’t been making time to work out). I want things that will make me sweat, and I’ve been using your series. I was halfway through your Level 3 Vinyasa practice, and I was sweating profusely. It stung my skin, but I was glad to be moving whatever was inside out of my system. And then, I think as I was coming into a warrior or plank, I felt this mellow bliss- no other way to describe it. I wasn’t doing anything usually associated with that- no twists or inversions- but I think it was just that things were leaving me, and my body was really happy about it. I don’t know what it was, but it felt so good, and it reminded me of when I used to feel good on a regular basis. And then I reflected on when I started having some of these health issues, and I could not deny that my anger and disappointment were most probably the triggers.

Thank you for helping me climb my own Annapurna.

January 23rd, 2011

Dear Deb,

So glad that the work helped you, and that you were able to experience that kind of relief and as you describe it, “mellow bliss.”
That’s a beautiful thing when it happens, and I find with a regular practice, you can cultivate more of those moments.
You are so welcome, and thank you for sharing your experience!

January 24th, 2011