“He that can have patience can have what he will.” ― Benjamin Franklin

There is something I have been longing for, and I want it to happen more than anything else in the world. It has nothing to do with fame or money. It is something that only the whispers of the universe will bring my way. Every wise adage seems to stare back from the page, telegraphing its message aloud: “Let go. Surrender, and you will have a much better shot at having what you long for.

But I ask you: Isn’t it so incredibly difficult to stop striving and trying and controlling when there is something in front of you, so out of reach, an ever-presence shrouded in mystery, elusive and precious?

Even as “body people,” we can work ourselves into such a frenzy, that we temporarily forsake our bodies, the very vessels that require our kindness, softness and relaxed thinking in order to make what we wish for, happen.

My thinking mind wants to address every aspect, every detail and make sure that I have covered all bases, crossed every “T” and dotted every “i.” My thinking mind thinks that if it works hard enough, it will succeed in having control over what cannot be controlled. My thinking mind believes that it will be able to alter the course of destiny, all on its own. And my thinking mind is barking up the wrong tree.

Enter the breath … enter the voice of wisdom from the body that says gently, ”go sit and place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart and just listen; listen to your soul.” Enter stillness … and then … enter a tidal wave of tears. And finally a feeling of incredible lightness and rootedness at the same time. The feeling that I have cast off a weight of more than 1,000 pounds– the feeling that I am home again, at one with the moment, so spent, so clear, so free, that I can think of little else.

“Of course!” my mind says to my body. How could I have imagined that it was wise to operate independently, ignoring you so thoughtlessly, on auto-pilot, convinced that I could control the wild horses of the ethers, running at light speed in any direction they are driven to fly? The mind is only as powerful as it thinks it is if it not only acknowledges, but connects reverently and deeply with the body. It is then, and only then that the spirit comes out of hiding and tells you its secrets, revealing the code that will indeed bring you closer to what it is you long for.

Once I found this place of peace and greater surrender from my release, I couldn’t help but recall a special moment in time when a portal to this evanescent and beautiful world of total union of mind, body and spirit opened miraculously for me, and it had very little to do with my intractably isolationist “thinking mind.” It was the first time I performed a Teaser.

The Pilates Teaser is an exercise that challenges every aspect of the mind, and body, enlivening the spirit, and leaving the practitioner with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. And like this thing that I long for, it can be extremely elusive, is a phenomenal teacher and cannot be achieved with the mind alone. Those of us who have practiced Pilates for many years know that it is a landmark exercise, and to be able to execute a beautifully controlled, elevated “teaser” is quite an achievement. Ironically, one of the secrets I felt I learned years ago in Pilates was the concept of effortless effort, and the same I so badly needed when my monkey mind was busy leaping from branch to branch, beating on the ‘big drum’ inside my brain not so long ago. The challenge is to apply this “effortless effort” to every aspect of your life. It has to start somewhere, though, and for me, some of the most pivotal moments in my personal evolution, those that have been truly transformational in my life, have started on the mat.

Years ago, when I was at Drago’s Gym in NYC and I was a young apprentice and professional ballet dancer, I used to watch the more seasoned apprentices attempting the Teaser in Mat classes given by Romana. It is an exercise that comes at the end of the class, after your powerhouse is already on fire, and it requires remarkable focus, breath and control to be able to execute it at this crucial juncture- at a time when you feel that you are only running on ethers- and I’m not sure that is true for just anyone’s Mat class, but it sure was the case with Romana’s.

As I used to watch various students attempt the movement, I remarked to myself that those who were the most successful at peeling their bodies off the mat so seamlessly were the very same who clearly embraced this concept of effortless effort. They made it look easy. They weren’t stressed when they were doing it. They clearly connected to their breath, made the decision to apply their strength, but in a metered, economical way, the way Joe wanted movements to be performed- with “economy,” one of his mantras. And the other thing I realized, especially when it was my turn to attempt it, was that without contrast, without some kind of tension, oppositional force, of literally being able to reach energetically in the opposite direction, one did not have a hope in hell of achieving this seamlessness, this utter effortlessness in the journey up to the summit. Without challenge, without exploring this overhead space to reach away from the feet, and this space beyond the feet to lengthen, without this opportunity to find peace and breath in the face of chaos, the invisible space to “push off of”  one could not climb the mountain. And so I discovered that there was a magic and beauty to this perfect synthesis of opposites, and a resultant symmetry, the invisible laws of physics at work, dancing with tension, learning to harness it instead of being at its mercy!

And I can remember it all as if it were yesterday. I was in my first ever mat class with Romana. I was incredibly intimidated and nervous. I wanted to do everything perfectly. And my thinking mind was on overdrive. My stomach was in knots. Thank god for the endorphins that were flowing from the prior 30 some-odd exercises that had preceded this defining moment to dilute my nerves.

I extended my arms overhead, reaching farther than I ever had, and I simultaneously reached my legs as far away from my center as I could. I then anchored my back into the mat, deepening my abdominals, and I took the all-important preparatory breath. As I lifted my upper body off of the mat, I felt the immense power in my legs reaching up and out into the space beyond, and I continued to stay connected to my breath and the electricity vibrating in my every cell. I rode the wave instead of questioning it, or fighting it, and I climbed that mountain. I rose right up and saw that I had reached the top. I couldn’t believe it! It was so much easier than I thought it could be. Don’t get me wrong, it was still damn hard, but I had created an incredible bubble of calm and simplicity inside this intricate latticework of tension. I rode that wild horse and tamed it.

Inwardly, I smiled in a way I never had before, and I used that fire, that powerful satisfaction inside to roll down through my spine with as much awareness and control as I had managed to manifest on the way up.  And then just as I was resting on my laurels, I heard Romana’s voice pierce through my reverie of accomplishment, and challenge my calm and fortitude with its distinctively devilish tone as she called out her next commands, “And now, ‘Arms-to-Ears!”  … Incredulous, I pulled off three more repetitions  of this next variation, and she just kept coming–no rest for the weary, “Now, the “Leg-Drop” in her sing-song, ‘do you think you can actually survive this?!‘ and finally, just when I thought that I could not do one more repetition of any exercise, let alone another teaser, “the fold-up!” Came at me hard like a close-out.  And there I was, mere seconds to make 100 decisions, to sound the bell and reach every command center within my own being. Peering over the edge of that internal precipice, I knew in my heart that I could not and would not allow myself to shrink from this challenge. I would not allow myself to fail. I had come so far. I needed to jump. I needed to believe that I could fly.

And so, connecting to my breath, reaching beyond where I had reached when I embarked on that first set of Teasers, 5 minutes before, my legs now shaking from the determination that urged them to grow beyond their 33 inches, my body came up with three more. After I squeezed out that last drop of magic elixir that flowed through my veins, pulsing like the only truth I had ever known, I felt like soft rubber, lying there on the mat, grateful to have survived it … and even more grateful to my body and myself that I had done it all without faltering.  I had gone somewhere entirely new, and I was so exhilarated! My body shaking from such incredible output, you would think that I would have felt exhausted, but not all– I felt so alive!  I realized that as I was moving through each challenge, as Romana continued to raise the stakes, I was no longer “thinking,” I had gone beyond thought into a place of complete union of mind, body and spirit. I was recruiting every aspect of my being, but not with my thinking mind; only with the greatest laser-like focus on that very moment, and then that moment, and the moment after that, with the greatest breath and ease, the most expansive reach I had ever employed. I had gone beyond and merged with the space around me, into the great unnameable beyond–I was “in the flow.”

My esteemed qigong teacher, Roger Jahnke says that “by cultivating the radical capacity for self-observation and by engaging the awe of extraordinary focus on just the present — a portal to timelessness opens. It is a gateway to supreme peace and eternal wellness. Sounds unusual, nearly indescribable. That is the beauty of it. Primordial Qigong, also known as Wuji Qigong, is a method to go beyond. That is — beyond stress, concern, thought.”

And from my earliest memories, even before I knew what qigong was, or the jewels of deep wisdom it would bring into my life, my first introduction to the body-mind-spirit arts was Pilates. And I knew intuitively that by going the way of energy instead of fighting it or trying to control it, by being in the moment, I could go beyond thought. Recently, I rediscovered this infinitely powerful secret in a new way. It was such an incredible reminder that the best choice we can make is to invite everyone to the party, body, mind and spirit. Just as man cannot survive by bread alone, he cannot survive by mind alone.

Yes, instead of cursing the mountain for being there, so in my way, I decided to surrender to it.  I made the simple choice to silence my thinking mind that wanted to detonate the mountain and blast a pass through it. I decided to go beyond, to the place where I could befriend the mountain and climb it- deftly choosing which rock to give my weight to, breathing my way, expanding upward, economically, sentiently, consciously, calmly, lovingly.

And perhaps one day soon, I will be able to reach powerfully, but effortlessly into the space where the elusive and precious will come to me, with open hands and heart, instead of my trying in vain to force it, to make it come …  perhaps one day soon, by practicing peace and profound trust and faith in the midst of doubt and fear, I will go beyond, to that place where my capable and wise energy body carries me to its next destination, the same way it did on that very first Teaser … and who knows?  I might even float to the summit –the sacred intersection where spirit and destiny meet, the place where miracles happen …

Happy, Prosperous New Year of The Water Dragon~ May this year be one of Great Blessings, Awakenings & Miracles~

Powerful energies are swirling around in the universe now- can you feel it? Change is happening, like water rushing over river rocks, fluid and inevitable.

Believe in yourself. Believe that anything is possible. Say YES to yourself. Say YES to your intentions, say YES and welcome it all!

May it be so~!

This morning I had a dream that I was sledding down the side of a snow-covered hill on my black Tumi backpack, and suddenly, a red-tailed hawk flew down from the sky, and came to light on my left arm. It was so unbelievable. I was so amazed. I can still feel my lips parted in awe that such a magical, spirit, such a wild, solitary, elusive bird had chosen to come to me in such a bold act of intimacy.

It was as if freedom itself had decided to come to me. And not only did it just float there on my arm, but it softly sank his beautiful talons into my flesh, gently holding on, knowing exactly how hard to press, accepting my warm breath on his beak. To see if it was real, I gently went to stroke his head, and he let me and spread his gorgeous wings of white and red in appreciation that I had chosen to reciprocate his intimate gesture with one of my own.

Even now, the feeling of lightness and warmth as big as the sky above, spreads across my chest, from deep within my heart center to his, this magnificent hawk; we were connected, united, and FREE!  What a joy, what a gift that dream was! I am still celebrating it … A message from above. I am still aglow from that moment when my eyes caught him and tracked his trajectory, incredulous that he was coming toward me –when I saw his wings beating in an upward draw, slowing his descent, as he floated down from the ethers, and chose me as his landing pad, a confidant to whom he could silently transmit the message: “Believe it. You are FREE.”

Trial by fire. Oh, and it is.

When I first found this image, I wanted to kiss the earth that I had located a visual depiction that managed to encapsulate the very feeling I have had over the past month. I feel like a stuntwoman walking away from a well-played crash scene, except the “scene” isn’t staged. It’s real. Never before has this conscious awareness of contrast between incarceration and liberty been as stark, as naked as it has been for me of late. And when I say this contrast- I am referring to the battle of black vs. white, shadow vs. sun that comes to dominate the grand stage of the mind. The duel to the death that happens when we entrap ourselves in the stories that we ourselves author, when we imprison ourselves in the cells we construct, when we fashion the very shackles that keep our feet well-fettered.

Rumi said it so well,  “You were born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life?”

In reality, there is no cell. There are no shackles. There is only that very early, formative history that lays the groundwork for the template we use as the holy grail for most of our days … the song we feel we must sing until we realize that we have been dancing to the beat of a drum that is not ours, chanting the war cry of ancestors who did not see the light, or  learn that they could sing a different song, that they were free to choose new music to dance to …

Waking up is hard to do. Just like the song, “Breaking up is hard to do,” (do I hear violins? ) but once you wake up, you can no longer sleep the slumber of one imprisoned by your own “stories” of the past. Once you wake up, your eyes take in the landscape of a vastly new reality, and what you see cannot be described by the words you once used. Even your vocabulary expands. Marcel Proust leaps to mind,  “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

The truth is, if you choose to live a self-examined life, you are constantly “waking up,” but this doesn’t necessarily mean that you get to experience the pay-off every day … and that’s why it’s such a good feeling when you do. It seems the Gods have planned it so that you only experience the reward every now and again-only after you have waged a good campaign and you return home, sufficiently bloodied, humbled and grateful. That’s the way they make sure you stay in the game. And it’s only after you have war wounds to lick, that you come to appreciate your skin when it heals.

We humans, while I wish I could say otherwise,  learn most expediently through adversity. Consider a yoga practice. If every pose were easy and accessible, where would our edges to push from arise? How would we learn contrast and how on earth would we learn patience and fortitude and courage? The inversions where we consciously turn our worlds upside down, the standing balances when we have to create the solid ground underneath our own feet,  the arm balances, where we have to summon the strength in our very core to defy gravity and float above it with smooth breathing and measured aplomb. Yes, it’s true that whatever happens on your yoga mat, is a mirror for what happens and what is possible in your life. And whatever is going on in your life, if you’re lucky, you can work out on your yoga mat before, during and after.

Freedom. No one can deny that it comes at a price. But once you taste it, you really couldn’t care less how much it may have cost you. While you are on the battlefield of life, slashing through time and space with your mighty sword, slaying dragons and demons who come in human form, yes, the very same you yourself have somehow invited to the party, one after the other, all somehow strongly resembling one another, you fight the same damn fight until you “wake up” to the lesson, to the reality that has been there all along. And now, yet another quote from my dear friend, Rumi comes to mind, “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along”.

That “awakened” self is really a part of you all along, just waiting to be contacted, like Sleeping Beauty, waiting to be kissed and freed from her imprisoning slumber by the warrior self who fights to break the chains of history that bind us to the fear we inherit from previous generations … generations who slept a seemingly endless slumber.

Today, like Thanksgiving Day, when I was filled with gratitude, I am taking stock of where I’ve been, and how far I have traveled. The death-defying mountain passes, the chasms with no visible bottoms that I thought could never be traversed, the tangos with partners I wished would have dissolved into the ethers, like The Red Shoes with Moira Shearer, the dance that I thought would never, ever end, and the contracts signed in haste and in blood. They have all reached their destined conclusions. And I am FREE. Free of this particular epoch in my history. Still standing, and more awake than I’ve ever been. I am here on the battlefield of life where my blood has become the fertilizer that has transformed it all into a field of wildflowers, alive with a sweet, sweet buzz attended by troupes of dancing bees, bobbing and swaying gently in fragrant breezes like fingers through my my own hair.

I am here to tell you that as painful as it may be, it is true that the only way out is through … and along the way, we learn invaluable lessons. Like ancient glaciers carving a path through our souls, lessons leave in their powerful wake, exquisite etchings that are the markings of our spirit’s evolutionary journey. It takes great courage to face what we have created, to weather the storms we stir,  to conclude the dramas we have authored in order to come to know our true selves.

The reward is worth the apparent “cost.”  The reward is standing on the solid ground that you have reached after great travail and toil. The reward means you get to breathe new air. The reward is greater than anything you can hold in your hands, and once you feel it, once you breathe it and let it sink into your every cell, it is yours forever. You have claimed it, and no one can take it away.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

And they said: “We are afraid.”

“Come to the edge,”  he said.

And they came. And he pushed them, and they flew.”

~Guillaume Apollinaire

Tonight is New Year’s Eve, 2011, and instead of noise makers and balloons, champagne and confetti, my heart is hurting in a way that it hasn’t since I was a child.

I have been crying since last night at 9:30pm when I held Mirabelle on my lap for the last time sitting here on my couch in the very spot where we were 24 hours ago. Tonight is the last night of 2011, and I am practicing the art of letting go. Or rather, I am perfecting the art of attachment, taking attachment and the inherent, inevitable suffering that results to a whole new level.  Folks, tonight, through the murky wall of my tears, that makes the lights from the Christmas tree look like city street lights through a cab’s rear window on a rainy night, I’m not sure if there are other Buddhists out there as bad as I am. People who profess to practice non-attachment like me and in moments like these, just can’t. I honestly don’t begin to know how to rise above the deep ache in my heart that rises up inside me and wraps around my throat like a boa. I miss her. And I miss her more than I have missed most ex-boyfriends.

Mirabelle means “lovely and wondrous” in Latin, and how can I explain? She was both of those things and so much more. Charles named her, and it’s hard to articulate just how she perfectly she embodied her name. Her presence was like a bell-she spoke and her little cat voice was like the tinkling of a beautiful chime. Her eyes and her voice together were music. Her crazy patchwork coat with one leg that looked like a sweet orange witch’s stocking, and the other, gray half of her harlequin coat with random paintbrush strokes of white and orange, were the outer markings that represented her perfect unpredictability, her joyful demands to play at all times, and her fearless exploration of the world. She scaled 50 foot trees in seconds flat and gave the neighborhood squirrels a run for their money. She refused to come inside until she was good and ready. The charming white on her neck and belly were the one consistent swath of fur on her body, and she loved to have it stroked endlessly. Before Mirabelle, I had never had this exact experience of knowing how my touch inspired the most palpable bliss in another being, and her every movement was a silent communication, an acknowledgment, an appreciation that made me smile and inspired joy.  One of her most wonderful talents was flipping her body upside down on the couch, her favorite place to assume every conceivable cat position there was– the poster child for the Kama Sutra of a cat in repose. Her incredible, special beauty. That face. Beyond. Everything about her endeared her to me in the deepest way. She was, she is a Mirabelle, a lovely wonder.

She was abandoned in late July in the middle of a back alley at Charles’ building. A car drove into the middle of the block, and just dumped her out right there. He watched as two small faces, pressed up against the glass of the back window, clearly a family– drive away. He happened to be outside at the time and watched the whole thing happen, incredulous that people would leave an innocent animal like that to fend for itself. Without a moment’s hesitation, he walked up quietly to her, cat whisperer that he is, held out his hand, and she was ours.

Mirabelle is unlike any other being I have ever encountered. She is always alive with brilliant, searching intellect, her eyes wide and sparkling, seeing all and missing nothing. Nothing escapes her. She is at one with every nuance, every subtle scent, every sound that goes undetected by human ears, already somehow ahead of it, and running it down. She speaks, she turns on faucets, she turns on lights, she fetches like a dog. She loves better than most any person I’ve ever met.

And again, I have to write, what a beauty. What a breathtaking, regal little beauty. Captivating. Arresting. Irresistible.  And for some reason, some unresolved childhood traumas, some unresolved losses, my body rebelled against this other-worldly, magical little sprite and my histamines waged war, telling my nervous system that she was to be feared … or rather, that loving her was to be feared. I saw a wonderful and talented allergist four times,  I took prescription asthma drugs, I went to extreme lengths, suffered terrific frustration from my impeded breathing that collided with my crazy love for her.

Little Mirabelle, you broke my heart wide open. This was one of your gifts, too many to name. And tonight, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of misery,  a turgid sea that will surely swallow me whole. Feeling feelings that I never allowed myself to feel as a child because they would have killed me, or at least at that time, I was sure they would.  Now, tonight, I am mourning all of the losses, all of those remarkable animal spirits who stepped into my soul and make the walls of my tender heart shudder against this icy wind that blows inside me tonight, telling me that I will never be free of this pain.

If only I could let go … feel the feelings that just feel so downright disgusting, so overwhelming, so interminable. Perhaps then they would abate, perhaps then the insatiable anguish inside would be placated, even for a few minutes, could I please, please have a respite from this? It’s New Year’s Eve for God’s sake. Have mercy, oh guardian monster of unfelt feelings from the past!  Will these feelings ever go away? Will I heal? Will I be okay again without this extraordinary sweet bell of a soul who woke me each morning with her trills and her chirppy invitations? Without her penetrating glances and her loving advances.

After fighting the good fight for 5 months and loving her every minute of every day, even when she drove me crazy destroying my favorite couch and rugs, turning the potted plants over time and again, using my desk as her springboard and artillery trench, this morning, we drove to Delaware and gave her to the most perfect, loving new cat mother anyone could ever wish for, and it was harder than almost anything I have ever done. My heart broke in half, and the waters came rushing through. I felt relieved in some way when we saw the sweet and lovely new home where she would live. I didn’t shed a tear the entire time we were there, helping her to acclimate to her new surroundings and wanting her new best friend to feel okay about everything.  And after we left, after we left her - that exquisite little soul standing at the front door watching us leave,  I somehow, miraculously only cried for a few minutes on the drive back.

When we got back, I dove headlong into cleaning the entire house, washed all of the linens and performed a smudging ceremony. But the memory of her, her spirit was everywhere I looked, and while I fought valiantly to focus on each task at hand,  her energy crept into my heart and my psyche as if she were still there, on those little padded feet, like ink bleeding onto the page and overtaking it, she was still there, like a tsunami, coming faster than anything I was capable of outrunning … the memory of her, beautiful soul, was overtaking me, and I knew that soon I would be swallowing gallons of water, tears that just would not stop. And all I could think of was one of my favorite Edna St. Vincent Millay poems:

“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss her in the weeping of the rain;
I want her at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,–so with her memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell her foot or shone her face
I say, ‘There is no memory of her here!’
And so stand stricken, so remembering her!”

I fought back the impending onslaught, busy with my memory-erasing sage-stick in hand.  Then 5:00p rolled around, and now it’s 6 and 1/2 hours later, and I’ve been crying pretty much this whole time.

When Edna failed me, I turned to Rumi to save me, but I was beyond saving … Another failed attempt at being Buddhist:  “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form,” but all I could do was weep uncontrollably and get angry at myself for crying yet again, some more, and oh, the pain!

But tonight’s pain is about so much more, it’s about all of the losses, and all of the feelings, and how important it is for me to acknowledge that finally, I am feeling them.  And while I may be rebuking myself for collapsing, I am submitting, I am surrendering. With the gentle coaching from my best friend who sits beside me and says, “It’s good that you are feeling these things. It’s good. Let yourself cry. You will learn from the tears.” And like a child who looks pleadingly at her mother when she is in the bathroom, sick and not wanting to be sick again, anything but to be sick again, I have looked at my husband this way more than a few times tonight.  ”Who wants to learn?!” I feel like screaming into the cruel face of circumstance- at my body’s histamine reaction to this precious little being! And just moments ago, a slight, oh-so-subtle shift that I must be grateful for in spite of the agony I am suffering through … just before I sat down to write this, Charles spoke some very beautiful words.

“Be it all,” he said.

And when he did, the tears suddenly stopped. At least long enough to focus on this screen and save the blurred vision for the couch when I can sit there and cry some more and make the lights on the Christmas tree look like city lights as seen through the rear window of a cab on a rainy night.

Again, I am turning to Rumi like it’s a a stiff glass of Scotch, but somehow it has but a temporary palliative effect- it is wonderful, though, and I know tonight when I am asleep, it will permeate my subconscious like the poppies from the Wizard of Oz …

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

I love you, dearest Mirabelle. More than words can ever say. For you are a soul from some far-away place and you are a person in a cat’s body. Yes, one of those very, very, very special ones. You have broken my heart wide open, and the pain is immense. My missing of you is even bigger. Tonight, my entire being is rich and replete with the most searing and poignant of emotions. My body, my mind, my spirit are throbbing with the pain of being alive. But I am growing. These are growing pains …  they have to be. They better be. Because they’re overwhelming and they damn well better be helping me to reach the next stop on this path. I am expanding with every second that passes, every second that pulls me further away from the moment when I said goodbye to you, that moment of blind courage- the act of living into my destiny and helping you, sweet Mirabelle live into yours …  I am moving with the hands of the clock as we get closer to the end of another year, and I am shedding an old skin. I am tearing off the old clothes that no longer fit and truly never did. I am casting off the old armor that has weighed so heavily and protected me from nothing. I am stepping into the New Year in new skin, raw and somehow so much more beautiful because of it. Even in this anguish, I am so deeply connected to the beauty of feeling so intensely, and while I can’t deny that I am hurting in a way I never have, I am keenly aware that the reason I am here is because I have loved so deeply, so completely. I loved her with my every cell, and now I am no longer me, the physical person; I am just this heart, bigger than my body–open, exposed, bleeding.

And in truth, right alongside this prodigious hurt, is great peace and new-found, hard-won freedom … and waiting just beyond,  are great possibilities that I feel in my very bones.

Tonight, I am “Being it All.” And I have a feeling that going forward, I will continue to do just that. As much as it hurts, I have crossed the bridge and passed the point of no return. I have no choice now but to do it. To feel. I have graduated to this place of utter consciousness, vivid awareness around my vulnerability, and I have surrendered. I am waving the white flag as we speak. I am feeling my feelings. I am greeting everyone at the door with a smile, even if it’s through the veil of my tears.

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
~ Rumi

Happy New Year~2012 Here’s to you, my Mirabelle, and to “Being It All!”

Today, I was in the moment. All day. From the minute I opened my eyes, to this moment now.

And  I realized something very important.  In order to be in the moment, one must surrender.  And the minute one surrenders, one can be awash in one of life’s most precious and beautiful states: gratitude.

Even though I have felt gratitude at many different times in my life, I can honestly say that today was the first time I truly understood and lived this connection, that pristine place on the mountain top,  the place one must climb long and hard to come to … that place where surrender and gratitude meet and smile knowingly at one another like two old, long-lost friends. Today,  I stepped into my life the way a visitor would step off of the train and onto the platform of a place he had always longed to visit, a place where he knew he was destined one day to arrive.

My eyes took in every detail, my senses drank in every ambient gift- the sights and scents of the day, the intense warmth of the sun on my cat’s back as she found the most perfect spot on the kitchen floor, the intoxicating smell of the turkey in the oven just starting to brown, the herbs, thyme, rosemary, sage and butter melting together to produce a perfume that sent me floating above, looking down on this room, flooded with sunlight and simple joy.

And then the love I felt overflowing the banks of my heart for the man I call my best friend-silently acknowledging all of the qualities I cherish about him, his incredible kindness, generosity, humor, insight, wisdom, creativity, artistry, intelligence, affection, integrity … where we started and how far we have come … the challenges we faced down and worked together to vanquish, the moments when I wanted to run, and the fact that I was still there, standing there with such calm in my heart, so much breath and space inside. All of it penetrated my consciousness with a kind of clarity and power I had never experienced in just this same way before.  It was for me, all day, the only truth that mattered- what I saw in my immediate surroundings, what I felt, what I breathed, what I literally inhaled. Each and every thing that came into my sphere, I treasured. The whisk that fell out of the pie crust batter not once, but twice, splattering all over the rug and the floor and a cabinet or two, something that would have annoyed me somewhere inside on another day, was nothing, was a moment where I could show my partner compassion, understanding and encouragement instead. It was a moment today that made me smile, and say to myself, “I am here. I am alive and I am with this person who I love more than I have ever loved before, and I am grateful. I am more grateful than I can ever remember.”

And then I stopped and sort of observed myself in wonder. This feeling of gratitude was so powerful, so immense, that it made me feel like I wanted to reach out to each and everyone I knew and send them love and wishes for joy and for them to feel this kind of simple contentment. It is in my nature to want to give to others, so reaching out to people to spread joy is not a foreign concept. But this feeling I had today was special, because it is also in my nature to move- I am someone whose mind never shuts off and who has an incredibly difficult time sitting still long enough to give myself many of the calming gifts I know I can give to others.  I know how hard it is to turn off the mind, and today,  I was a bird who learned to fly.  Today, my ‘monkey mind’ took a vacation because two months ago, I made a resolution to take a break– To step off of the train I was on, a train that I knew was heading in the wrong direction.  And when I made the decision to get off of that rough train, the train that I will now name “control, frustration and hopelessness …” I let go. I surrendered to my own true nature, and I found a kind of deep peace that I cannot remember feeling in just this way ever before. Why? Because who I am today is a product of the hard-won lessons of someone who took a few too many bad train rides and finally learned when to get off, when to step down onto the platform and think for a while about which one she would get on next, but not a moment before she was good and ready.

Today my busy brain stopped, because I surrendered yet again. I made the conscious choice to do everything in my power to face myself in the direction of what I wish to manifest and then let  g o … No agenda, just flow. No plan, just honoring the pulse inside and appreciating everything just as it was outside, without trying to change a thing. Surrender. Quiet. Stillness. Observation. Awareness. Consciousness. Simplicity. Breath.

Today, I let go and I let God and I got the reward. I felt so grateful for exactly what is—hoping for what will be, yes, of course, I am only human, but today, I felt more grateful than I ever have before, because I was in the moment. I was in the moment where I was able to consciously appreciate each and everything. My mind was not fixated on future or past, on what I cannot control, no matter how hard I try.

I was here. Fully opened and surrrendered to what was, to what is.

Today I surrendered. I opened my hands to the universe, and together, the universe and my highest self answered with this one word:

“Gratitude.”

There is one exception to this bittersweet blessing that comes to mind now, however, that inspired this blog, and it is Pilates Anytime,  a brain child that rides the technology wave but rather than pulling us away from ourselves, has helped us all to grow closer, not only to our own unique potentialities as individuals, but as a global community. Kristi Cooper-White has helped us to achieve what the dolphins live every day- this sense of joy, playfulness and sense of community that was sorely lacking in the Pilates world before she and her groundbreaking site arrived on the scene.

Last month, I was honored to be a part of this magical world on Padaro Beach with Kristi and her incredible community. I can no longer recall my exact words that were spoken at the moment that everyone’s eyes moved to the window behind me and quiet exclamations were uttered like a chant that echoed softly throughout the room, “did you see the dolphin?!”  I do know, however that the great energy in the studio was palpable from the moment I entered the morning of our workshop and shoot, and only expanded into a powerful upward spiral for the hours that followed. At the moment when the dolphin broke through the water’s surface, I believe that I had been speaking about love … asking the participants of the workshop what the opposite of fear was. And just as I uttered the word, “L O V E,” the dolphin appeared. I remember wondering how I could be that lucky- to be graced by a dolphin’s presence on top of the already extraordinary experience I had been having … “Really?!” I exclaimed as chills ran up my spine and the tears started rising to my throat-I had already been so moved by the exchange I was having with the beautiful group of people I was working with, that the dolphin’s presence reached swiftly into my heart the way he had just broken through the water, and within seconds, I wasn’t just crying, I was sobbing, and could have cried for a long time, I was so swept away by the immensity and beauty of the confluence of events and transformative energies swirling around inside that special space. A part of me in fact, wished for that moment, I could have found myself entirely alone on the beach watching the dolphin, communing with him and my tears, allowing myself to surrender entirely to the overwhelming joy and sadness that came rushing through me in that moment. Joy that I was with a community I resonated with, and sadness that it had been so long in coming to feel that sense of “home,” to be in a place that was dedicated to fostering union, facilitating camaraderie and celebration in uniting for the true purpose of transformation and growth- to celebrate the reasons that Pilates had been created in the first place.

A portal opens today.
11.11.11, a day that has incredible numerological potency, a day that the sages say has the power to change one’s destiny. A day when you have the opportunity to break the chains of history and choose love instead. A day when we can empower ourselves and heal, when we can aspire to what the dolphins do every day- love unconditionally, unite and find strength in community, in sharing, in generosity of spirit and support of one another. I knew when I woke up this morning that today was the day I would write this special piece about my incredible heart opening with Kristi and her global community of Pilates Anytime at her other-worldly home on Padaro Beach, where the divine messengers lead the way, nodding their heads and smiling in approval that we are on the right path at last.

Something truly miraculous has happened.

I am riding a new wave.

It all began when I took Kofi Busia’s Yoga workshop, July 19-22nd. We practiced in the sanctuary of the Fleisher Art Memorial here in Philadelphia, and what better place to reach a transcendent state than in a house of worship?

The two definitions of what I am experiencing are here below, and while they describe in concrete terms what has happened to me, they can’t come close to communicating the kind of powerful flow of energy that courses through me minute by minute now. They can’t explain that I feel more grounded in myself than I ever have … that I feel like I am somehow no longer of this earth, but instead, flying inside on these currents I have created.  Even those flying dreams I have from time to time, those dreams that make me want to return to slumber so that I can convince myself to take off again can’t come close to making me feel the way I do. And as a buddhist, while I try to practice detachment, and am successful every now and then, I can honestly say that my relationship with attachment is evolving; I feel that I can both savor the moment and let it go at the same time. New. This is new. This is a new place, and this new place features new dimensions of existence, like another planet with new terrain to explore- the possibility to experience bliss and hope, but know well, deep inside that everything is ephemeral and that it is wisest to relish each moment without assigning to it anything more than our most subtle awareness and appreciation for what it is. And in the same breath, to be able to allow myself every hope and wish and know that I have the power to make them all real. The only thing standing between me and what I long for is my doubting mind and the sludgy energy that the doubting mind creates.

Hope and love are the rays of sun that literally burn through the clouds in the mind to reveal what is real and what is possible, and since July 22nd, I am filled with gratitude that overflows its banks- a kind of grateful that stems from an awareness of myself and my power that I have never felt before. Thanks to a magical confluence of elements, and definitive choices I made, taking myself places I knew I needed to go, informed by my deep inner wisdom, I went from being stuck, in a dark, frustrated place, to standing on a summit, breathing clean, crystalline air.

“Transcendence - the state of excelling or surpassing or going beyond usual limits; going beyond, and ’self-transcendence’ means going beyond a prior form or state of oneself.

I have gone beyond the prior state of myself. And oh GOD, how I want to kiss the ground because of it.

Each morning, from the moment the pranayama (the science of breathing) practice began, to the final savasana in the evening session weeks ago now, I traveled miles of my lifetime, scaling walls, diving into depths, reaching into spaces I didn’t think existed, didn’t think could be accessed until they were. Until they were miraculously excavated and opened. Let us establish something: Kofi Busia is a genius.

A genius of how it all works- yes of course, the body-mind-spirit connection, but how we work in the world, and how we don’t … how our minds undo us at every turn when we let them, how our choices are not always the best when made unconsciously, but that with grace and poise and focus, poor choices are no longer an option. Doubting our ability is no longer a possibility, and instead, holding ourselves to task, proving we can go beyond our false, self-imposed restrictions is the only road ahead.

Kofi is a keen observer of humanity and all its foibles. A brilliant eye, a lofty but accessible, all too human, exceptional conduit, a delightfully shameless, indulgent narcissist, a jolly, recalcitrant child on center stage who was put on this earth to guide people into the underworld of their psyches by forcing them through the rigors of  an authentic and relentless asana practice like none other. How can one describe the magic of Kofi Busia? Do justice to the other world he creates with his pure, traditional practice? The rhythm and timbre of his youthful voice, his stalwart cadence, belying his 50-plus years on the planet, his peerlessly witty and brilliant narratives, his elegant, understated British accent and his provocative delivery, as he strides, confidently weaving between his students, avoiding water bottles and props adroitly and effortlessly like a proud leopard on the plains striding between the bushes without getting brushed. What Kofi Busia does, wearing his long sleeved multi-colored wool sweaters and gold-rimmed spectacles on a 98 degree day in July is much more than just teach a yoga class … he creates an alternative universe, a parallel universe that makes this one seem like a shabby second. He opens the door and shines the light on the path out of hell- the hell our mind creates for us when we allow it to run wild, in its unchecked negativity, doubt and fear. He creates the fertile ground, the route to travel if you want to go beyond yourself, if you want to become conscious and live an examined life, asana, by demanding, feel and see-yourself-in-a-way-you-never-have-before asana.

After working through down dog, and full forward bend standing, Warrior I, and Mountain Pose, all held for truly interminable lengths of time- well beyond the standard 5-10 breaths, more like 20-30 breaths, he requested Warrior 3. Brutal even in forethought, because knowing we would have to balance on one leg, parallel to the ground for that same 20 breaths was almost too much to handle. But into Warrior 3 we all went, and into about breath 5, I fell out of the pose, not my favorite thing to do, and managed to get back onto the horse and hang in there for another 3, all the while doing serious battle with the troupe of monkeys in my brain, praying for his words, “Good, thank you,” signaling to come out of the pose- thank GOD, I must say again. And when I describe this, you truly cannot appreciate just how much you look forward to a pose ending even if you understand how endlessly beneficial it is, if you are forced to hold the thing for over 5 breath cycles.

Apparently, I was not the only one who fell out of the pose. What ensued was one of his spectacularly complex allegories, a rich, philosophical journey into choices, how they are made, why they are made and their consequences. And that without focus, on auto-pilot, we can land ourselves in some pretty hot water; slave to the meanderings of our mind, the contentious, deleterious wanderings, we falter, we fall out of the pose, we fall out of step with ourselves in our lives.  Forsaking our inner compass, our instincts, our drive, our tenacity, our self-awareness, giving over to the negative, the lack of focus, we fall prey to the dark side, instead of believing that we actually do have some influence over the outcome.

I always teach that there in no separation between our lives and our bodies, our emotions, our minds, the air we breathe, the food we eat. I lived my own words, I experienced for myself something I had experienced before, but never before had I seen, felt and lived the truth the way I did this fateful week in July.

“Okay, now do the pose with grace and poise, and focus on the choice you are making to command your body to do what you want it to; do not allow yourself to stray and wander away from what you want to achieve.”

And so we all went into Warrior 3 for the second time. This time, I inhaled deeply, I extended into every space my body had and I inhabited myself in a new way, every cell was called into action, and every fiber of every muscle joined the party; no wallflowers this time, no gossiping monkeys, just pure focus, calm and breath. I was like a laser, rooted in my standing leg, which before had started shaking by the second breath cycle, now, like a strong tree, now like an arrow in my upper body, arms extending towards the crucfix in the sanctuary, for a moment imagining what it was like for Jesus up there- the kind of transcendence he needed to find in order to survive his fate. I didn’t falter, I didn’t quake, I didn’t even think about the pose ending. I was in the moment, more in my body, in cooperation with my body than I can remember, and completely, and utterly beyond myself. No longer the self I was 5 minutes before. A bigger self, a self who understood her power and planned to use it for good.

Then, as if Warrior 3 hadn’t sealed the deal, towards the end of the final day of practice, the evening session, when I had (and the only word I can use here to appropriately describe what I had experienced is “survived.”) survived the last few days of poses interminably held, twisting adjustments that had me convinced I’d be paralyzed, and braved the 102 degree temperatures, Kofi strode right up while everyone else was preparing to invert in shoulder stand and placed my body in a stance that was a preparation for a drop-back into full wheel. I think that was the moment I went beyond myself, or rather that I stood beside myself, another self, arms crossed, shaking my head in a way that said, “Wow, you poor thing. Unbelievably, you now have to do what you have watched a few other select poor souls do over the past few days, something you were sure was well out of the realm of possibility for you. But here it is, that unexpected moment in life, staring you in the face. What you gonna do, girl?!”

“Holy shit,”  was my response to my other self.

And with that, Kofi, stepped his foot in between my legs, wrapped his arm around me like the good dance partner he is and motioned for me to start the journey  backwards into what I was convinced was a walk into hell, blind. A drop-back into full wheel! “Holy ____!” this time with a loud exclamation mark shouting in my head. But drop back I did … Can’t remember even feeling my feet on the ground anymore, but I took a deep breath and decided to try. Even though I was sure that my back would break and I would be carried out of the sanctuary on a guerney, I raised my arms over head, and started to drop back. The thoughts in my head went something like this: “You better do this because Kofi Busia is standing there and asking you to, and you don’t even have a choice, and even though it’s going to suck, just do it; you have good insurance, and you rebound pretty quickly from injuries. Yes, but this isn’t going to be a small injury.” And with that, as I was reaching backwards into space, barely feeling Kofi’s hand there for support- on purpose, of course, to see if I trusted myself, I defaulted to fear- I became suddenly acutely aware of the vertebrae in my thoracic spine (my upper middle back) and how unyielding they were, and then found myself gripped by an icy hand on my heart that I wouldn’t make it … I snapped back up to face Kofi, our faces close enough to feel his warm breath on my chin and out I blurted, “I haven’t done this in years, Kofi,” I said almost pleadingly, hoping he would let me off the hook. “In fact, I have never done this!” I realized. And he responded with a big smile and a “Do I look like I care?!” he said with a smile that said “Trust me,” on his face. Incredulous and literally nauseous with fear, I knew I had to do it, and so I decided I would listen to the words unspoken, the “Trust me” that I had read in his eyes and his smile when I admitted to my vulnerability in all my painful honesty. I decided to do it with poise and grace and focus. Good old Warrior 3 popped up just when I needed him.

I inhaled, planted my feet on the ground and started to reach back, this time with real energy and intention behind the action. And although he was still playing with me- testing my every ounce of mettle and commitment, barely being there for support on my back, and I felt the deep, dark grip of terror wrapping around my gut like a jungle boa, I persevered and focused and sent my breath to that area of my spine where my heart was, the same place that was tight on the prior attempt- sending energy there to ease it’s descent. And even though seconds before I felt my hands touch the floor and lift me like pressurized hydrolic press feet on the moon landing apparatus, I refused to believe that I would survive —- I did. I did it! I survived a drop back into full wheel, with my ancient shoulder injury, with my vehement protestations, with that vice grip of insidious fear around my heart, my gut, and I came back up again!

Oh, the triumph! His genius, his knowing. He knew exactly what he was doing, of course, and I was the lucky, lucky recipient.

This was something that left a simple “leap of faith” in the dust. In that moment, the culmination of 3 days of arduous practice that tested me to my core, my resolve, my patience and inner capacity and determination, I went beyond everything I was convinced of before.  I went beyond everything I thought I knew about myself. Truth is, in every pose, in every moment, in each asana I held,  with every breath I took, leading up to what one would call that one “defining moment,”  I found transcendence. As I endured the oppositions that my mind erected, and persevered beyond them, the seemingly impenetrable walls, the immovable obstacles, I inhabited my body in a deeper way than I ever had before, and I flew … I rose above and beyond and found myself flowing and flying on the currents of a new body, mind and soul that now knew their power and that unified, loved and directed, could accomplish anything.

Of course, I could tell you that this event was just the beginning, one small step forward into a new land, new possibility, but I know better. That moment, and all moments that led up to it were anything but small …

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~Mary Oliver

Today, I started my day with Waking Energy, and I felt so inspired after my practice that I knew I had to write about it and tell you why it always leaves me feeling new again! Any stiffness, any lethargy- GONE! After just fifteen minutes of easy, invigorating practice, I feel like I’m 19 again- (but better)! Better because I have greater appreciation for the incredible and rapid transformation that I have the power to unleash- better because I am older and wiser and now have the patience and grace to truly acknowledge and savor the innate gifts in my being that lead to my own empowerment! There is nothing better!

Waking Energy is simple; Anyone, any fitness level, any age can do it. Waking Energy is powerful. The energy you can tap into right there inside your own body, combined with the energy of nature that surrounds you, is limitless …  It is revolutionary. It contains elements from all of my favorite rejuvenating practices- it is an electric tapestry of movement and poetry for your soul that I wove together over time, honoring the timeless wisdom of ancient masters, made new again- for you … It is about claiming your birthright– glowing, good health, freedom, empowerment, joy and abundance. It is about nature and perfect balance; day and night, hot and cool, yang and yin, and that when you recognize your own true nature, this same balance can exist in you where all of the healing energy you will ever need is waiting to be awakened.

In the Waking Energy program, I have assembled some of the most effective techniques from rejuvenating practices of the East, turning to the ancients for their timeless wisdom. These are MY favorite energy practices–my workouts that I do to start every day. Accessible, but incredibly potent and powerful. These are the practices and rituals that I do to invest in myself and my life force, replenishing my reserves and rejuvenating my body, mind and spirit. When I create the time and space to detach from my thinking mind, ironically I become more mindful, more conscious, as I move into the body where I can feel and breathe and reconnect to my true nature.

I have a passion for these movement sequences and the way they make me feel, how they bring me closer to myself and the world around me– how through some perfect combination of alchemy and magic, they bring things into perspective, reminding me of what really matters. In mere moments, I can change my mood, and move from darkness to light.

Daily, I am reminded by doing this practice that I have the power to heal myself, that when I take the time to love and care for myself, I not only serve myself, but others who come in contact with me–I do my small part to make the world a better place. When I heal myself, I heal the world.

There is no separation between our bodies, our thoughts, our emotions and the world around us. We are but a microcosm of the same living, breathing planet we call home. For this reason, it is imperative that we dedicate more time to caring for our bodies– our temple– the way we must care for our world– That we acknowledge, cherish, and protect our natural resources that we depend upon with our lives. That we treat ourselves with respect, reverence and love and offer the same to others.

This work is intended to bring you closer to these truths, to your truth. To show you through these sacred, timeless movements, that there truly is no separation, only surrender.
When you learn to surrender to the moment and to the rhythms of nature, you will feel an energized calm and the feeling that anything is possible, and within your reach. You will feel hopeful, positive, optimistic, empowered. And at times when you feel overwhelmed by life, you will find relief. You will feel younger, more fluid, more flexible, more patient with greater reserves and compassion.

Waking Energy features several distinct sections that can either stand alone as their own complete practices, or as parts of a whole.
In each individual segment, you will be have the opportunity to do exercises that not only benefit, tone and strengthen each part of the body, the outer body we can see, but you will also go deep inside to harmonize and balance the breathing, flowing, circulating subtle energy body that vibrates and lives beneath the surface. You will activate and balance your Meridian and chakra systems– the intricate and sophisticated network of energy pathways –the interior world that interfaces with and reflects our activities, circumstances, moods and choices.

The beautiful secret and symmetry to this program is that it mirrors life; Although each segment has a specific focus, each addresses ALL aspects of the body and mind, simultaneously and each individual segment is a microcosm of the whole, just as we are individual microcosms of the world around us. Done together, they serve to complete a circle, bringing all of the subtle energy systems into harmony and balance. You can do just one section and feel confident that you have stimulated and activated all energy centers and conditioned your entire being.

The Waking Energy practices address all of your body’s systems, inside and out, combining practices from qigong, hatha yoga, kundalini yoga, the 5 tibetans and yin. They can be done any time of day or night and each will give you exactly what you need: reduced stress, perfect balance, boundless energy and peace of mind.

We start with invigorating, muscle-soothing, playful, and sensual qigong-inspired self massage seated and standing, to literally get in touch with ourselves and feel grounded and secure in the body, connected to the earth. Then we will learn how to activate and unleash powerful prana shakti, our primal life energy, and channel it up through the spine with the Kundalini seated and standing series, stimulating our center of creativity, and sexuality. We then move onto the qigong standing series, activating our dan tien, life force center and the meridian system, harnessing universal chi and our own energy to heal and regenerate. Then finally to unite the body’s total energy systems and all 7 chakras, we will practice the 5 Tibetans for empowerment, and Yin Yoga, going deeper into our fasciae, stimulating and harmonizing our meridian system and corresponding organs, to move held emotions out of our bodies and make space for new life energy, cultivating a deep, energized calm.

This is one fitness for all– for all aspects of your body, mind and spirit, for all of the chakras, and the meridians, for all of you regardless of age, fitness level or experience, for the worlds that we are as individuals, and the worlds outside, mother earth and beyond==into the universe.

When I do these practices, I heal myself. And that healing ripples out in concentric circles of energy, touching the lives of others.
Come experience them for yourself and turn back the hands of time!

The Waking Energy Immersion and Teacher Training: Kripalu, June 26th-July 1st …

See you there!

Heal yourself. Heal the world.

Namaste~